It’s hard to believe that three years have passed since I was so shockingly attacked doing ministry in my own apartment complex. “Time heals “is what they say. I’ve been contemplating that phrase for a while now. Does time really heal? Well I can testify that as more distance is put between that awful day and the present, it doesn’t make it any less traumatic or heartbreaking. It still hurts and there are still scars that are easily seen and felt. There are still tears that are shed and obstacles to overcome. However, as I look back on the last few years and compare to how I feel today, I notice that the tears are fewer and farther between, my anxiety is less and there is more peace in my heart. Is this because of time? I am unsure. Maybe we give time too much credit. I believe that first and foremost, Jesus gets the credit for holding me together throughout these years. Without Him by my side, speaking his love and grace over me, I would have crumbled to pieces years ago and never had the strength to be put back together. Secondly, I have had two and half years of intense counseling. This has been a savior for me. Three years ago it was evident to see the trauma that my body had suffered, yet I never could have imagined just how much trauma my mind and emotions would suffer. Counseling has helped me open those dark and hidden places at times when I felt like there was nothing else left to uncover. I am grateful for those times when I went head to head with my PTSD because I would never be where I am now. Last, but not least, the support of my friends and family has most definitely carried me through the dark days . With encouraging words, visits and prayers they have shown me what the love of Christ really is. I especially give a shout out to my husband, who has been by my side every step of the way. He has unconditionally loved me through all my anxiety and fears . Without that kind of support, I would feel completely alone in it all.
So time, I don’t want to give you all the credit. In fact, as a victim of sexual assault, time you are definitely not my friend. You see, this year I was hit over and over again with the assurance that a trial was coming my way, that justice was going to occur and we could get this horrific stage past us. I have had numerous visits to the courthouse and meetings with district attorneys in an attempt to “prepare” me for this big trial. However, it begins to feel more like I am the one on trial and without any voice or rights of my own. These preparation meetings are not for the faint of heart. These meetings rehash the events and retraumatize me all over again. I must defend my position and make sure my facts are straight despite it being years gone by and memories I just want to forget. I must watch my interview and police report over again and be reminded of some horrors and details of that day that I have tried to suppress. With our court system, time is not on a victim’s side. Years go by, and I want to move on, never forgetting, but also not allowing this one event to dictate every moment of my life. However because our system is flawed and the courts are so far behind, I am faced with this constant reminder. Every time, I get a subpoena in the mail with a new court date attached, I am flooded with a new wave of emotions or heartache. And every time I get that text from my attorney that says we are going to push back the date again, I am flooded with a new wave of emotions and heartache. It has been a constant cycle over the last three years that I am so ready to get behind me. I have once again been given a date of September 10, 2015 to hear news of a new official court date in October. But I have been down this road before. So time is not healing me. I will hold on to the hope I have in Christ that he makes all things new and turns beauty into ashes. I will hold on to those techniques I have learned in counseling of how to overcome fear and anxiety. And I will hold on to my beloved friends and family who are always there for me. I know more than ever how life is so very precious. So on this three year anniversary, I will cling tightly to my husband and beautiful son and praise God for this new precious life growing inside of me because time heals nothing, it's what you do with that time.