I have experienced this unpleasant emotion way too often in the past months. I had begun to think that I had conquered fear and that I was on an upswing in that area. However I began new counseling in April and through this counseling I quickly discovered that fear still had a strong grip on my life. Through much talking, I learned that I am most fearful of what could happen to me in the future. I found myself saying "that I could never handle anything like this again" . I found myself saying " There is no way I would be prepared or strong enough to go through another traumatizing experience". It occurred to me that I have absolutely no control over and no guarantee that I will not have anything else happen to me again. This thought paralyzed me with fear. However, God reminded me of a conversation that my husband and I had within a week after I was attacked... It went a little something like this........
It was a beautiful quiet starry night. Dan and I were sitting on the trampoline talking about and reflecting the events of the past week. We were both still in shock that such a tragedy had occurred in our lives. We were grateful for my life being spared and that we were together. I was still feeling the amazing grace of God in my life and felt such an overwhelming peace around me. I had heard stories and read the verses about the grace of God that surpasses all knowledge, but it wasn't until that time that I finally understood the true meaning.As I was reflecting on that grace, I felt God speaking to me. He told me that if I had known about my attack a few days before, I would never have thought God's grace would have been enough for me that day. I would have lived my days in fear. Interestingly, My biggest fear was not being raped or attacked before this time. My biggest fear was that something terrible would happen to my husband. I joyfully exclaimed that I feel blessed that this was the suffering upon me and not my biggest fear of losing Dan. Dan looked in my eyes and I realized that for the first time Dan's biggest fear had actually come to fruition. With tears in his eyes he looked at me and told me that he would never have expected to feel such joy and peace in his heart in the midst of the greatest struggle he could have imagined. We talked that night about how fear is truly deception from the enemy to make us believe that whatever we fear is too big for God's grace in our lives. When we live our lives in fear, we ignore the promise of grace in our lives. We claim that He is not enough for us and focus on our own strength. What a revelation this was as we were in the midst of God's grace being poured out on both of us.
Do I still struggle with fear? Of course I do, but daily I am surrendering it to Christ and asking him for his strength to trust him. I cannot trust in his promises on my own strength. I will fail every time. Praise God for his amazing grace.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.